Top Ten Screen Motoring Clichés

Or – what I have learned over several decades of viewing:

“Period Dramas” in which virtually every car is a new or recent model for that year. The road footage of almost any 1950s or 1960s newsreel will contain a multitude of elderly vehicles. And just take a look at The Sweeney, with its armies of corroding Austin A60 Cambridges and Singer Vogues on the streets of Hammersmith and Battersea.

Scenes with a not terribly convincing “overseas” setting. Let one moment in Department S stand for the many – driving on the wrong side of the road in Branksome does not make Dorset resemble “Spain” in any way, shape or form.

Cars changing colour or model in mid-chase. This is not as rare as you might think, and ITC specialised in such errors. The pursuing vehicle, be a Mercedes-Benz or a Skoda might gain or lose an extra pair of doors, or have the engine move from the front to the rear. A Moskvich 407 could also transform into a Ford Prefect, post-explosion.

And a similar change occurred to a “Renault Alpine A610” on the horrendous BBC soap opera Eldorado. Doesn’t it look just like a badly-disguised 1976 Triumph TR7...

Conveniently placed piles of cardboard boxes. Especially when they are stacked totally at random on a quayside.

Cars that are obvious cannon-fodder. If Bodie and Doyle find themselves using a 1966 Morris 1800 Mk. I for no apparent reason it is improbable that their “Landcrab” will last until the closing credits. The many villains of The Professionals also seemed to favour FD-Series Vauxhalls as much as wearing sunglasses indoors, and a Victor 1600 with three-on-the-column was unlikely to enjoy a long life. The Minor 1000 of Some Mothers Do ‘Ave Em rightly became a television legend.

But in 1973, a 16-year old Morris in terrible condition was unlikely to have been worth £800 as stated in the plot. And even in the mid-1960s, an Austin J4 was not exactly the first choice as a high-speed getaway vehicle.

Interior shots that bear no resemblance to a car’s exterior. Again, an ITC speciality, where a Fiat 1500C might have the cabin of a Rolls Royce Silver Cloud or a Morris 1100 could suddenly sport a white steering wheel.

Star actors who are very obviously not driving the stunt vehicle.

Now exceptionally rare and valuable machinery being wrecked in the name of entertainment.

Stunt drivers allotted the occasional line – usually ‘yes Inspector’, ‘over and out’ or, in a Hammer or Amicus horror film – ‘Arrgh!’.

A very odd sense of geography. 1965’s Dateline Diamonds never aspired to be anything more than a B-film. Even so, William Lucas’s stolen Jaguar E-Type takes the most circuitous route imaginable to Harwich.

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