CHRISTINE: BRITISH STYLE

During the first Lockdown, this writer watched many car-related films and too much daytime television. The latter gave me a lifelong aversion to most chat shows, while the former led me to ponder; would the plot have worked in a British production?

Naturally, the answers varied. Two-Lane Blacktop, Vanishing Point and Smokey and The Bandit were all too heavily rooted in American popular culture, which also applies to American Graffiti, Duel and Badlands. However, It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World was initially intended to be shot in the UK while, surprisingly, it was possible to envisage a Home Counties answer to Christine.

When the screen adaptation of Stephen King’s novel entered production, over 10 per cent of the budget was allotted to 23 Plymouths; 16 used on-screen and seven for spare parts. Not every vehicle is a Fury as some were Belvederes and Savoys with altered appearances. King decided the eponymous villain should be a Plymouth as “I didn’t want a car that already had a legend attached to it like the ’50s Thunderbird”.

At first, the theme of Christine appears impossible to translate to a British idiom. However, the story is universal; an Awful Warning about the perils of provenance and gradually transforms into a form of psychotic 1950s throwback. To quote the actor becoming a car obsessive. The plot has one Arnie Cunningham purchasing a used vehicle of dubious Keith Gordon, “It’s almost like the character starts becoming part of the era of the car”.

So, if Christine were shot at Pinewood in early 1983, what should the choice of star vehicle be, and what sort of music should it play after dispatching its latest victim? Here are five options:

Sunbeam Rapier Series I.

The Sunbeam certainly conveyed a sense of quasi American glamour, and its dimensions were more suited to Buckinghamshire roads than a Plymouth. As for the choice of tunes, how about Billy Fury singing Don’t Knock Upon My Door for that touch of irony:

Ford Zodiac Mk. II Convertible

The Zodiac would certainly look more threatening than the Sunbeam when chasing Moochie’s gang; in an ideal world, they would be played by Phil Daniels and Ray Winstone in a customised Capri 1600GT Mk. I. One that would meet its end as Christine played Johnny Kidd and The Pirates Shakin’ All Over:

Austin A99 Westminster

At first sight, this may seem an offbeat machine, but the ‘Big Farina’ is powerful, striking looking and, especially when painted in a dark colour, quite a formidable sight. And scenes of the Austin destroying random Vauxhall Chevettes and Triumph Toledos should be accompanied by Vince Taylor and The Playboys with Jet Black Machine:

Ford Consul Capri

A car from the twilight of the Teddy Boy era, with an appearance to match virtually any Detroit product, although with slightly less in the way of engine power. It would undoubtedly look most handsome on the silver screen, especially with The Shadows’ The Savage blaring from the FoMoCo radio:

Vauxhall Cresta PA

My choice of a British, especially in early ‘Three Window’ form. And what better choice of music to accompany the ensuing mayhem than Cliff Richard and The Drifters singing Move It?