TEN MORE USED CAR SELLING PHRASES TO MAKE YOUR HEART SINK

1. “With this classic, you will be able to cruise down Sunset Boulevard with the top down, radiating in its coolness”. Etc., etc. This is fairly unlikely for a 1967 Triumph Herald 1200 Convertible that has not moved since John Major was the Prime Minister.

2. “Benefits from careful handling” - If you take a corner at over 20 mph, the offside tail fin will probably fall off.

3. “Tastefully restored and customised” - I have painstakingly removed virtually all the details that made this model unique.

4. “Exclusive viewing by appointment only” - The car is lurking in a field on the outskirts of a derelict industrial estate guarded by an ill-tempered Rottweiler. On seeing it, you might think you have wandered into an episode of Inside No. 9.

5. “Easily trailered away” - The brakes have corroded to immobility, and an oak tree is growing through the remains of the boot floor. In addition, a blackberry bush occupies most of the interior.

6. “This car is a fast-appreciating asset” - I mistakenly bought it two years ago. All I have done since then is apply WD40 to the engine and hand-paint the bodywork. It is now your problem.

7. “Runs as sweet as a nut” - For some reason, I try to sound like a minor character from a 1983 edition of Minder when selling a Morris Oxford with bodywork resembling a Venetian blind.

8. “The sort of car made famous by film x, y or z” - Said film was responsible for the closure of 100 cinemas within six months of its release. In addition, the car in question appeared for only five minutes before exploding in a very badly executed chase scene.

9. “Only a few problems need resolving to make it perfect”, - Starting with the minor issue that it is two different cars welded together: half Mini, half Vauxhall Cresta.

10. “Only needs a few finishing touches to make it perfect” - Over the past three years, I have tried to obtain some vital parts from across the UK, Australia, Canada, Cyprus, Malta, New Zealand, and South Africa, to no avail. The car is now your problem.